Think of the last person close to you who died.. you have the chance to give them 1 hour of  life back in exchange for taking an hour of yours. Do you do it? If yes than what do you do?

I’ve honestly been fortunate enough to have never really gone through the death of someone that I have been extremely close with. My aunt Judy died about 5 years ago but she was in a lot of pain and it really was her time to go. To answer this question I am going to use the “death” of my best friend Blaine. While he is still very alive, the Blaine that I knew and loved is very much dead. Details are not necessary, but to answer this I would give anything, even an hour of my life to share even a second more with him. There was so many things that I didn’t get to tell him and honestly the only thing I would want to do is let him know how much he really meant to me. I never got the chance to tell him how in love I was with him. He is the only person I can say that I have ever really been in love with. Even though he is dead to me, I still feel that I am in love with the person that I was lead to believe he was. I know that this seems very foolish but I wanted to write something that I felt strongly about and this is definitely it. I have learned a lot from my experiences with Blaine, the main thing being to not let the people you care most about slip away without letting them know how much they really mean to you.

Are there any song lyrics that are extremely relevant to your life right now?

As a matter of fact there is. “Nothing feels like home. You’re a thousand miles away and the and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.” I swear to you ever single time I hear these lyrics it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’ve always loved them but it wasn’t until I moved to Colorado that they had any sort of real meaning to me. There is definitely someone in particular that comes to mind when I hear these but it isn’t the person you are probably thinking of. I actually find that quite comforting as well. 

October 28th. Day 28.

What is one of your most missed memories?

I’ve written about my all time missed memory I few times on here so I think I will switch it up. My most missed memory from around this time last year is definitely the “Bonzai Chronicles”. For one whole week last year every single night we smoked a legal synthetic called Bonzai. This stuff is literally the craziest stuff I have ever smoked. There isn’t a good way to accurately describe it. It’s more like something you have to experience. So I’ll leave you with a couple of pictures. :]

Btw, the only thing I don’t miss about this memory is those stupid acrylic nails. I believe someone else would highly agree with that statement as well. 

Let’s get serious. Confess something you are feeling right now.

Oh brother. Well, I’m feeling incomplete. There is a missing piece to my puzzle and it’s been gone for a while now. I really hate that I feel this way and I wish I could make it stop. At this point I don’t know if the place where that piece of my life goes will ever be filled. Quite honestly I don’t even know that I want it to be filled. I don’t want a replacement, because there really isn’t ever going to be anyone that fits like the person it belongs to. The only solace I have lately is in my memories. I catch myself going through old photographs more than I would like. I catch myself in reliving stupid pointless moments and I’ve become quite the story teller when it comes to events that have passed within the last few years. I almost wish I could hate the missing piece and as much as I try to forget I alway seem to stutter and fail. To everyone who doesn’t know me or what has happened you are still my best friend because know matter how hard I try or how many times I tell a story about us I can’t come up with any other word to describe what you are to me. 

Maybe one day this will become easier, but if my experiences so far are a forecast of things to come I highly doubt it. The more time that passes and the less angry I feel the harder it is to not miss you. 

Do you give second chances?

No, I don’t usually give second chances. I’ve gotten screwed over one to many times to give everyone a second chance. I’ve learned that if someone can do something so wrong that they need a second chance in the first place than they probably don’t deserve it. There are only a few cases where I can find and exception to this and in those cases the person isn’t even looking for a second chance. I guess it all depends but for the most part the answer is no.

What is your passion in life?

The thing that I am most passionate about is photography. I’ve always had a love of art and all through out my elementary and middle school years I toyed around the idea of become some sort of artist. From fashion designs to tattooing. It wasn’t until my freshman year of high school that I realize that my true artistic passion was in traditional black and white photography. I became very devoted to learning anything and everything about this art. I was fortunate enough to have the help of an amazing program offered in my area and that further launched my passion. I attended art school for a year and decided to take this past year off to really figure out what I wanted to do with my life and to decided if I would fair better as a free lance photographer. I have however decided that I want to further my education and return to art school. My main interest in the field of traditional black and white photography is photo journalism and fine arts. I hope to one day be able to make a living producing images that I feel strongly about. I really can’t picture myself doing anything else.

What is your biggest weakness?

I’d definitely have to say my biggest weakness is helping people TO much. I always seem to put others way before myself and while that may seem like quite the endearing quality it has to have some sort of limit. I thought about this a lot actually and I think the main reason I focus my energy on helping other people is because if I can make myself feel good through others then I don’t have to deal with the root of my problems. It’s easier to do nice things for people than it is to face things that are internally scary. I guess I’ve just always thought that if I did enough nice things it would help balance out all of personal struggles I deal with. I have discovered though that even the most sincere forms of kindness can go wrong when overdone. Resentment becomes a factor and when all is said and done that resentment can take you right back to the beginning of the problem. This intern will make anything you have ever done a waste because in the end it will seem like you just throw everything back in the persons face. This was never what I wanted to come of my need to help, but like I said before doing to much to aid others will only circle back around. I still want to be support and take care of my friends when they need me, I just need to figure out a healthy balance. 

What are some positives in your life right now and what are some negatives?

Hmm lets get the negatives out of the way first. Obviously a big negative right now is the fact that I am so far away from everyone I care about. I miss my friends, grandma, and cousin so much. It’s literally a physical pain. I’ve been struggling to keep my depression under control. Some days are better than others but the bad has definitely been dominating the good lately. 

On the positive side of things I seem to have become a master of getting jobs. I recently got hired at Party City and I’ve been working there for about two weeks now. I also found out a few days ago that I was hired at Hot Topic AND today I got a call from Vans saying that they also want to hire me. I’m really excited about all of these opportunities. More money means I can buy a plane ticket back home for the holidays without any issues. 

What does friendship mean to you?

I’m going to write this from a best friend perspective. It means, being able to know what the other person is thinking without them saying anything. Laughing at nothing for hours. Having so many inside jokes that your other friends don’t understand what the hell you are talking about half of the time. It’s being able to comfort them without words. When just a hug is all that is necessary to make the other person feel safe. Defending and protecting them without hesitation. It’s missing them so much that people get annoyed that all you do is talk about stories involving that two of you. Forgiving them know matter what they did to fuck up. 

October 21st. Day 21.

Is there an cause out there that you feel passionate about?

I mentioned this briefly in an early post but, I feel passionate about physical and sexual abuse awareness. I have a lot of personal motivation when it comes to supporting this topic. It is one of the most underreported crimes today, which means that there are so many guilty people that are left in society. I support this cause because I think that it is so necessary that the survivors of these horrible crimes know that they don’t have to be afraid to report abuse. No one like to talk about physical and sexual abuse because people would rather pretend that it doesn’t exist.. but it does. I saw a quote the other day that really got in my head it said “we teach don’t get raped. Not don’t rape.” I never thought about how true that was before. The bottom line is though that people need to realize that these kind of things happen all the time and people also get away with these violent crimes ALL the time. 

When you are in a relationship with someone what is something they do that really irritates you?

I absolutely hate when I am with someone and I say something about someone else being attractive and they get all butt hurt. OBVIOUSLY you find your significant other to be attractive, thats a given. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t other attractive people out there. It’s not like I’m going to go have sex with the random cute boy at the grocery store just because he looks good to me. Stop being insecure and whiny. It’s annoying and it makes you look desperate. Oh and please, don’t try to say “well you wouldn’t like it if I said another girl was attractive” because I don’t give a shit. This all comes back to why I think confidence is SO sexy. 

Who is someone you admire and why?

My cousin Laurie is definitely someone that I admire. She is one of the strongest women I have ever met. She has gone through so much and has done so many good things for the people in her life. Even when they didn’t really deserve it. She has handled the devastating loss of her oldest son, and although like anyone she has good and bad days she has never failed to be there when I needed her the most. She isn’t afraid to be honest when it’s most needed. She has taught me how to follow my instincts and that it’s okay to be broken sometimes. I don’t know what I would do without her. I aspire to one day be even half the woman she is. 

What is something that people don’t know about you?

I’m fake. I put on a smile just so know one will ask me what’s wrong. I’m tired of keeping up this facade and I’m tired of being strong. I look happy, and there are times when I actually do get real relief from this agonizing mask I carry with me. I wish those times were more frequent. I don’t have the answers and I don’t know how to move forward. All I know is that I just want the pain to go away. I’m sick of being depressed, and I just want it to leave it all behind me. I want to have happiness and hold onto happiness for more than an instant. 

Describe how you are feeling right now:

I’m feeling more alone than usual. I was at work today and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wished that I was back at Party City a year ago. It’s not the same. I can close my eyes and see everything. It’s literally a painful ache. I miss all of the car rides screaming our favorite songs. I’ve always felt a chronic loneliness but this.. this is different. I’m confused and there are really only a few times when I don’t feel disconnected. I’m scared. I really hope I can do this. 

Bullet your day:

• Woke up and had some orange juice and cereal for breakfast.
• Get dressed.
• Decided to go to Boulder with my dad.
• While we were driving to Boulder we found an awesome farmers market where people were protesting corporate America.
• Stopped to photograph the protest and walked around the market.
• Walked down a few blocks to get to Pearl Street.
• Watched some of the street performers before getting lunch at the cheesecake factory.
• Left Boulder to go grocery shopping.
• When we got back to the apartment I decided to go out on my own for a while.
• I went to party city and got some fake blood and flesh wounds.
• Went to Walmart.
• Got my eyebrows waxed at the mall.
• Came back to the apartment.
• Skyped with Justin for a while <33
• Watched CSI:Miami.
• Showered and changed into bum attire.
• Started this list.

Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

-sigh-

Yes. I do have feeling for someone, but even if there wasn’t 1600 miles between us I still wouldn’t be ready for a relationship. Aside from the distance I am more than happy with what we have right now. It’s easy. I really feel like he is becoming one of my best friends, and to be honest he is the main reason I have stayed sane through out the move. There isn’t any pressure, I feel like I can just breathe and be myself around him and that is all I need in my life right now. It’s nice to finally be close to someone again and not have the title of a relationship weighing things down. 

Indirectly give advice to 2 people:

1. You have come such a long way in the past year, it’s pretty incredible. You have made so many improvements even when faced with something most women couldn’t make it through alone. I’ve watched you find your own feet, and I’ve watched you push through the things that you would have found impossible for yourself to overcome. My advice to you is to keep going strong. To hold on to the independence you have found. You don’t need to be with someone to be a strong individual. I think that all the effort you have devoted to doing what’s best for you and your child has really healed you. There is still a lot of work and responsibility to come but my hope is that you really see that you don’t NEED the support of a significant other to give you confidence. I know that you are going to be a great mom, and one day after a lot of failures and triumphs you will find someone that deserves to be with you.

2. So much history. I cannot begin to count how many times we have given each other advice. Let me start by saying that I am not writing this with any intention or hope of it falling on anything but deaf ears. I do not however say that with hostility or judgements in mind. I say it with the understanding that my advice has no bearing or place in your life. There was a time when I felt that breathing without you by my side was a weird abnormality. I’ve watched you grow and evolve. I’ve been through major ups and painful downs with you. Life is funny in the way that it gives you something so wonderful, but then rips it out from under you. I’ve wished a lot of things were different than they are now, but as we both know and understand wishes are just disappointments waiting to find us. My advice to you is to become the beautiful independent person I know you are capable of being. You are intelligent but intelligence can only reach as far as you let it. By letting your fears control your life you are limiting the endless amounts of potential you have. While you sit back and question failure, you are in fact failing yourself to a certain degree. We only get one shot at this, so instead of wasting your time thinking “what if I fail” embrace your time with “I’m glad I tried that”. There is only one way to discover if you are capable of something, and that is taking the initiative to try it. No more excuses, no more what ifs. You are the one in charge of your life. You just need to decided to actually take control. If I had the chance to do things over, this is what I would have told you. This is what I wanted to convey. I let my inner demons ruin a lot, but hopefully my mistakes have helped you to become stronger.